In honor of Crisse Ann Straughan-October 2,1957-September 11,2009
It was an honor serving with Crisse as she volunteered in the Compassion Network office for a few months. Crisse battled with breast cancer and survived. We had many 'after hour' conversations sharing openly about deep grapplings and fears surrounding the potential of getting cancer again. Crisse opened up to me because she knew I spent so much time up close and personal with my friend John as he struggled with this terrible disease that eventually took his life at a young age. Her fears were so familiar. We shared days of celebrating good doctor reports and small miracles while she was with us. When she came down with pneumonia Crisse has to decrease her hours and eventually had to quit all together to focus on her health. A few months later she was confirmed with lung cancer, then it spread to her lymph nodes and eventually reached her brain. When I received wind of this rapid progression my heart was extremely heavy. Not heavy because of her destination, but because she was such a lively and vibrant person who was now losing life. Crisse was spicy; she was one of those people you just like being around. She added to every environment. She was 50, but hip as can be. She would tell me when cool jeans were on sale at Macy's. She would crack me up with her leather jacket and fancy jewelry. She was so ALIVE and gracious. You would never know she was as sick as she was. She lived her life to the fullest.
I knew the family called in Hospice and the doctors gave her only a few weeks to live. I made arrangements to go to her bedside. I wasn't sure what our time would be like. Since I hadn't seen her in a month or so I was very emotional walking up to the door. In my heart I wanted God to heal her, but I had such a silent assurance that her time here on Earth was ending. Crisse was about to receive her glorious inheritance. I knew God could heal her, but I also know there are times, as humans, we need to let go and trust God for His greater purpose. Sometimes we want to hold on to others for our purposes, but I have learned that it is just selfishness on our part because 'we' want to feel comfortable. There is a time to pray and a time to let go. This was time to let go. So I spent my final moments with her, seeking God on how to spend that time.
The door opened and in the family room was there was a hospital bed, oxygen tank, small wooden table holding pictures of family/friends and a TV. She was bald and frail, but she looked so beautiful in my eyes. She still had an endearing presence about her. We just had a special "I know" connection. We didn't even have to talk; yet we knew what was going on in our hearts. I struggled with our final moments quickly wiping tears from my eyes. Being in this bedside spot before, I knew the next few moments I had the chance to gain some life altering wisdom from someone who didn't need my prayers anymore. She was going to be with Jesus. I was going to be left behind, now was her turn to impart to me all God had revealed. I asked her if she had any fears and she said, "no, I feel confident in what is to come". I asked her if she would have done anything different and she mentioned having a happier and healthier relationship with her husband would have been nice. This really spoke to me because I am always amazed at what really 'matters' when someone is about to die. I NEVER hear I will miss my house, my job, I wish I would've climbed the corporate latter or shopped more. Instead, I hear people wishing they would've invested more in the relationships with those closest to them. THIS IS A KEEPER.
John said the same thing. He said, "Everyone is terminal Christine. Today may be your last day, so live as though it is". Powerful. Imagine the implications of a life lived like that. Those facing death have real insight into what is most meaningful.
My time with Crisse was drawing to an end. Yet, I had one more selfish question in my heart to ask. I know it is not often you sit next to someone on the verge of being with Jesus so I KNEW this was the time that God could use her to speak to me. So, I courageously asked her to give me wisdom, as a young woman with more life to live, on what is most important. Her sincere reply, "wake up each day, look out the window and take it all in. Then talk to God. When you get in your car and someone cuts you off, talk to God about it instead of getting frustrated. Bring God into your relationships and let Him tell you what to do when you don't know." Then in her final words she implored me to serve. She said, "Serve. Help others. Make a difference. Focus on others so you don't focus too much on yourself." Then with tired eyes she looked directly into mine and spoke in between coughs boldly, "Nothing matters in the end other than these things." I knew she meant it with every morsel of her being.
I gave her a huge hug, kissed her soft cheek and said thank you. What precious words. We said our final goodbye and I knew in my heart this would be the last time I would see Crisse on this side of heaven. I barely made it back to my car through blurred vision. I sat in my car silently for a moment grieving, and then drove away slowly.
I ran six miles that day with worship blaring on my Ipod. I knew she was going to be okay and now I needed to take care of my heart. I needed perspective. As the each song flooded my head I began to weep. I can remember being embarrassed as I ran and tried to play it off like I was really 'sweating'. Those tears were cleansing and allowed me to feel joy again.
I am so amazed by how similar my two bedside experiences were. Both of these friends had unwavering faith, confidence in their destination and a quiet assurance that everything is going to be okay. I secretly wanted this confidence. By the end of my run I was deeply encouraged that God has given me the privilege to be up close and personal with men and women of great faith who had deep revelations of God's heart. I feel honored to know, first hand, these gems and hold them safely in my heart. When someone has nothing to lose, they say it like it is. Now, I will try my best to live with strong faith while investing in people and relationships because I have a hunch in the end nothing else will truly matter.
Today was Crisse's memorial. I was able to share my last moments with Crisse and read out of my journal in front of hundreds of teary eyes. I was able to exhort people to invest in relationships, serve and believe in Jesus. After the service her sister came up to me and said Crisse called her after I left that day and said that out of all her visitors there was something special about my visit and she wanted to see me again. Her sister was crying and I said, "oh I will see her again alright and I look forward to it!"
Death has lost it's sting because of Jesus.
Here is a passage I live for: I love the message version of Psalm 16
Psalm 16
A David Song
1-2 Keep me safe, O God, I've run for dear life to you.
I say to God, "Be my Lord!"
Without you, nothing makes sense.
3 And these God-chosen lives all around—
what splendid friends they make!
4 Don't just go shopping for a god.
Gods are not for sale.
I swear I'll never treat god-names
like brand-names.
5-6 My choice is you, God, first and only.
And now I find I'm your choice!
You set me up with a house and yard.
And then you made me your heir!
7-8 The wise counsel God gives when I'm awake
is confirmed by my sleeping heart.
Day and night I'll stick with God;
I've got a good thing going and I'm not letting go.
9-10 I'm happy from the inside out,
and from the outside in, I'm firmly formed.
You canceled my ticket to hell—
that's not my destination!
11 Now you've got my feet on the life path,
all radiant from the shining of your face.
Ever since you took my hand,
I'm on the right way.
People ask me why I have such an urgency to help others it's because I have seen and heard to much to live a mediocre life. I can't ignore what has been shared from those who truly "Got it".
~ peace, Christine
Tonight on my walk I was grappling with God regarding many things in my life I seem to be ‘waiting’ on. It feels like I am always waiting for my hearts desires while I faithfully ‘follow him’. After pressing deeper in to this issue I was reminded that waiting is a part of the journey. Waiting is not a halt of action but instead an adherence to God that is coupled with great anticipation of what is to come. As we continuously bind ourselves to God and let go of all control, new vision is able to birth. The key to revival is waiting. By waiting in His presence the secret of worship is revealed, the doorway to finding our purpose and destiny.
